The Silent K

Below is something I wrote on Monday morning. I wasn't going to post it because it might not make sense to anyone but me, but I won't be home tonight and have no time to write something anyway, so I might as well post this instead of some quickie hello post. Plus, I want to remember that feeling. Sitting there, writing that note. The blog is good for keeping my memories. Reminds me where I've been, how far I've come, and where I can still go.
————-

I'm at Amsterdam at 81st upper west side Manhattan.

We're about to leave for a conference to which my friend is the keynote speaker. He's meditating and giving himself acupuncture. I am sitting cross legged on the floor writing this note. This organization I belong to engages in talk of our respective projects, ideas, and drive for differences. It gets tense and controversial at times and I see people slip into social response modes of either fight, flight, freeze or appease. Some people have the gift of stepping into the social response mode of convener, peacemaker, understander. This is the gift I want to cultivate.
There's a cast of characters in my orbit and they all activate different things in me. Some activate the practical part, some the part that wants to play, some the part that wants to learn. Sometimes I slip into a sad part of myself where I just "freeze" I just become a follower. It's usually the wounded part that is activated in these cases. I feel a contrast of amazement of the bright people around me and apathy for internal willingness to engage. I instead engage in my own disengagement and sit quietly, listening, all that is activated in me are feelings of inadequacy rather than inspiration. I am a doing, and not a being in those moments. I do the act of getting by in passive listening and back seat engagement. It's a a strategy I employ when I'm frozen. So here's the part where the insight is. Why am I feeling frozen? SIlenced? Quiet? Why don't I connect and engage with the people who inspire me most?

Feelings are biochemical feedback system by which our needs assert themselves, often in mysterious ways. So if a feeling is a need just asserting it self through a biochemical feedback system- the question becomes what is the need here that I am having?

I freeze in the conversations and feel silenced. I disengage and feel inadequate. So then, to feel adequate would be to feel that I have something to contribute of value. The need is one of inspiration and learning (which is what is happening in the room when I freeze but I don't have enough time to metabolize and integrate what I am learning in the moment) WIth inspiration and learning I am able create opportunities in my mindscape for valuable contribution. When feeling this way I often find myself researching schools and wanting desperately to study. I do have the tools within myself for learning (my own unique thoughts) but want more gas on the fire so to speak.

In more tender private moments, there were times where my friend's extreme states would collide into my world I'd feel just as isolated as he does in those mindspaces. It was like we were both locked out. I can't get in, he can't get out. His states become my states and at times it's all I can do to carry on being a doer. So I appear by him, unaffected by his state, which gives him the space to feel less pressure and feel included in spite of his obvious foray into a world wherein there is no inclusion for him, merely confusion.

With him, his wounding would come out and express itself (seemingly) spontaneously and intensly and later when debriefing about the experience it was as if he'd shine a light directly on the wounded part that is me. I'd be in the field of his state- knowing how frozen, isolated and alone he is and rather than having the capacity for empathy at times, it merely triggers my own massive repressed states of isolation. It's like seeing the part of myself that's hidden being played right out and reflected in him, a mirror of my own repressed world. Later, when he comes back around, and we talk it is me who is deeply affected from the experience, but not in a gentle loving way. My experience of healing in this is one of awakening to something I do not want to face, something I do not dare to know. Knowing about this in a deeper way moves me into a space I fear I can't manage.

In the world of appearances, I slip out, I talk shit and nonesense that all feels like lies in effort to reconnect to the practical world, the outer world. Nice boots. Did you enjoy your meal? I don't really want to connect because I am internally combusting but I know how to have some social grace. This is my own personal tension when I engage with this group and organization.

The intense mood states that he'd experience would just end, like a switch was flipped. He'd come around and be shining, glowing, magnetic and somehow know exactly what needed to be said to move the people around him and transform them from passive listeners to people in spirit. He'd be the comic relief, the peacemaker, the message bringer to people and would make situations more alive, real, and connected in the moment. A shift from doings back to beings.

There are lots of paths to being. The cold apathy to life I have had lately has been confusing, and I've found that my most reliable fallback plan to escape is through sex. No words, just sensation. Total inner world experience in the moment not isolated, but with company, Unguarded in that I am free to explode in emotion and sensation, but still protected in my own skin with no messy words required to explain myself, being together and essentially inspiring one another with what our bodies are capable of feeling and expressing.

This is what I am finding in dance as well to some extent, and I am feeling good about that. Dance is less complicated.

I went to my first dance class at the studio I mentioned and I flipping LOVED it. The teacher is a very cool person, and knows how to create a good space. He makes everyone feel comfortable. They're a great bunch of people and we were giving one another bumps and cheers throughout the whole class. I have a wee crush on this one woman in the class. She's totally movie star beautiful and ultra friendly. Her chocolaty smooth skin and friendly smile combined with her killer curves make her pretty hard not to notice. I'm going to ask if she wants to go dancing in the clubs with me if she's there next time I go to class. It would be awesome to have a dancing friend for Friday nights.

I left that class feeling like queen of the castle. I'm loving life this week which is a different sensation to what I've gotten used to past few months. I'm like- excited when I wake up everyday. Sort of foreign and wonderful for me. I am standing tall and taking in the view.

Inspired and happy.

A night with not just one Greg I respect and admire, but two!
Hilarious and brilliant, both. 2am. Must sleep.

Messed up posting everyday, oh well. It was not worth the effort last night- it would have been a serious inconvenience because I didn't have internet in my room and didn't want to post through my phone because I haven't jailbreaked it yet and it would have cost a pretty penny. But, I'm back to posting now.

Conference was incredible and I love NYC.

When I got home I filled my arms with my two boys and my kitty and we snuggled under the covers and I was filled with overwhelming love and appreciation for all that I have.

That- is the very best thing that came out of this trip.

I've been in a depressed negative haze for too long, and something about the nature of this organization I belong to that hosted this conference, something about being with Will all weekend, something about the intensity and the sitting in the discord during the more contentious parts of the conference, something about developing even deeper comfort and connection to a few of my colleagues, i could go on, but it all converges into a place of love, learning, and appreciation for life and I'm honoured, inspired, and moved. I feel like I have fresh perspective on myself, my work, my family, and my life and it was very much needed.

More sensible post tomorrow.

The retreat has been intense so far to say the least, and I totally welcomed the chance to dance all the heady stuff off and just be in my body.

We danced until 4am and even at that time there were line ups to get into the clubs. I love NYC.

After the sessions today I'm off to Brooklyn for an Icarus Project fundraiser.

More later.

• Nov 27 : Note from my psyche
• Nov 26 : Inspired and Happy
• Nov 25 : My Two Gregs
• Nov 24 : Off the nablopomo wagon
• Nov 22 : Checkin in
• Nov 21 : Silent K: Hogwash?
• Nov 20 : Bags are Packed
• Nov 19 : Haiku Re The Musician
• Nov 18 : The Underground of Body Jam
• Nov 17 : Sayer of Pefect Things Strikes Again.
• Nov 16 : Thoughtful posting
• Nov 15 : It’s all I can think about lately
• Nov 14 : Random Acts of Heterosexist Busting
• Nov 13 : No CPU acccess tonight
• Nov 12 : Art or iphone mishap