The Silent K

Is it hurry? Compassion? Accomplishment? Empathy? Fear?
Is it martyrdom? Confusion? Money well made and spent?
Is it satisfaction? Tenderness? Separation? Pain?
Is it grasping, trying, reaching? Is it confusion? A finished product? Love?

The Cowboy Junkies, I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry

During the time I was percolating about my life, wanting change, not sure what, needing to look within to find it, eventually deciding to leave marriage, sell the house, and face a ton of massive life change; During that time yoga was truly a sanctuary for me.

It totally sounds cliche- but I can't even begin to stress how true it was. I would be in Eagle pose, staring at my form in the mirror, eyes locked, and I would have this knowing that I can face anything. That I can do it. All of it. Or that if there were moments that I couldn't there was always (metaphorically) the resting place of child's pose.

I would see my tank top darken with wet heat of sweat and I would think to myself, I can get through this class, this pose, and whatever life throws my way because I am strong, and I am able. Or I would be in shavasana (corpse pose) and I would think about how the pose is symbolic of letting yourself die, and I would weep hot sweaty aching tears feeling the bubbling of readiness to leave behind an identity that was no longer serving me.

I think so fondly of my yoga practice back then because it had an aliveness to it, and an intensity to it that was pure magic. I am happy I blogged some of those experiences over on my much neglected yoga blog, because when I visit the site I get a floodgate of memories of the many powerful experiences I had in class.

Nowadays I find myself easily distracted in yoga class. My body responds to the yoga like a well oiled machine doing it's job, but there's been a real disconnect of heart.

I'm reinvesting in the yoga lately, attending classes 4 times a week or so, and hoping the mind body connection returns.

Maybe I will get some valuable lessons from this hilarious dude? You think?

Oh the laughter. My mula bunda is killing me.

I went to a muay thai boxing class today and I kicked and punched the arm pad thingies my partner was holding with as much force as my little arms and legs could muster. All testosterone.

Then to balance it all out, I did an Ashtanga II class. A perfect blend of releasing aggression and calmly tapping into my inner wisdom.

I ended off the evening with a very long rest in the steam room and took a trip downstairs to Whole Foods.

Yes. yes. yes. This is good. I formally decided that despite the opinion of my pocket book- joining this swanky gym was THE BEST freaking decision I've made since I moved here.

Next post: A shot of me flexing my ever growing biceps! (just kidding)

And uh- since I know some of you who know me "in real life" might think this is a little, er, um, bizarre of me given that I am already stressed to the max and blah blah blah blah- I think I'll just let it out now and run:

I am going back to school in the fall part-time to get my degree. It's amazing what I've managed to do so far without that pesky little credential- but I think the time has come for me to just get the damn thing. I've got visions of an eventual Phd. Or maybe make my way over to Naropa University to get this Masters. Ah, to dream.

At Ryerson University, I'll be granted Advanced Standing into the third year of a four year program BSW program. But, before I go there I'm getting my 3 needed liberal arts courses by doing the new undergrad minor courses at the University of Toronto in Buddhism, Psychology and Mental Health.

I'm getting back on track with myself. I even called my Yoga teacher training correspondence course teacher and groveled. I said on her machine, "self-paced should allow room for an entire year to go by with no homework completion right? right? I've been faithful to the Yoga part, just not the STUDYING part… Take me back!!! Please! I let major life upheaval distract me, but I'm ready to focus again"

No response yet.

I'm spinning, I'm spinning. Giant ball of exuberance suddenly. Could this be the start of a freedom from emotional hell I've been in lately?

You know what I thought tonight, and felt in my heart for the very first time ever?

I don't wanna be no man's woman.

I am speaking at this event on Saturday. There will be 200 people there. It is a mental health and justice conference. The majority of the workshops are by psychiatrists, nurses, lawyers, and some social workers. It is for families who have encountered both the mental health, and justice system.

The workshops are all very serious. Heavy. Complicated. I am the very last workshop of the day. My topic is "How Do I Get Through This? The Healing Process For Families" and its funny you know- because maybe it is the narcissism in me- but damnit if I can't find my own healing process in every single one of my slides. Even though my healing has nothing to do with the mental health (well…), or justice system at this point.

I am not going to post my presentation here, but on the off chance anyone is interested in reading it- leave me a comment and I'll send it your way. It starts with a list of what we all want- good mental health- and what that looks like. Then it moves to what happens in families when there are barriers to good mental health. The general gist of it is that families go through the stages of receiving catostrophic news at different times and for different durations. Then it goes on to highlight three things families need to get through the healing process. 1) Resilience 2) Capacity To Tolerate Uncertainty 3) Hope. Each point is elaborated on. I think it's a good presentation. I am nervous, but confident too. I stand behind my work. I think it is good. Helpful. Evocative.

I am used to public speaking at this point in my career, but I am not used to such a big crowd. A friend suggested that I just remember that each and every person in the crowd shits. Just like anyone else. It made me chuckle.

So I am working. I am going to the gym- running on the treadmill with music pumping and sweat dripping. I am functioning. But with this sadness that I can't disguise. I wear it. It's unshakeable. I go through all the motions.

My boss said to me today that I carry the sadness of someone who just lost someone. A sort of stunned yet calm kind of sad. She said, it seems I am retreating into my body to heal from my losses. House. Marriage. The cookie cutter identity I was comfortable in.

She's right. I did lose someone. I lost Something. Somehow. Somewhere. Loss.

But there naturally, is gain in all of this. I am just not in the place of relishing in that yet. And that is ok. I am just where I need to be in my process.

It's odd though. I find myself googling the weirdest things. Like speed dating. It's like- compulsive. I need another man in my life like I need a hole in the head. I think- I miss that deep connection. I think I am in the place of wondering if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it- does it make a sound?

Speed dating. Not likely to answer the question.

Hmph.

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the
hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the
not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely
frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to
reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you
desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."
Ayn Rand

• Apr 27 : Becoming Real
• Apr 23 : Random Thanks
• Apr 21 : Patient Mom-ness where for art thou?
• Apr 19 : Your life is an occasion- rise to it.
• Apr 17 : Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News
• Apr 13 : what does this mean?
• Apr 11 : Hold on
• Apr 4 : Road Tripping.
• Apr 1 : Day One Busy- Detox
• Mar 31 : It’s change time baby!